Mediocrity.US » Politics

Hot Air and Useless Information

David Barach — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:24:52 +0000

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well, “answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

”Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

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The 2008 Dollar

David Barach — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:24:23 +0000

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Disney, Hockey, Putin, and the Ice President

David Barach — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:22:20 +0000

A brilliant parody of what Disney’s take on Sarah Palin would be:

And then there is this CBS version:

I’m really not sure which one is more frightening absurd!

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Now Seeking Qualified Candidates

David Barach — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 23:36:13 +0000

The US Legislative Branch is now seeking qualified candidates to apply for representative positions. Since April 1, 1789, the USLB has been working to advance the goals of its stakeholders. Responsibilities include:

Toeing the party line – balance not required
Caving to special interests – candidates who fear the dark and bats need not apply
Pandering to the base – the base can be reached by following the party line, see item #1
Crafting budgets – the craftier the better
Earmarking – actual handling of livestock not required, unless you shoot them yourself
Determining the use of force – this is more of a ceremonial task

Qualifications include being 25 years of age for district representatives and 30 years for state representatives. You must be a US citizen for at least the past seven years—nine for state, and you must currently live in the state you will serve. No other qualifications required or needed. Compensation is officially $169,300 per year; however, you may be eligible for additional “bonuses” depending upon your legislative success.

Candidates will be notified on November 5th, 2008 if they have been selected, provided there are no frivolous lawsuits regarding the selection process. The USLB is looking to fill 435 district positions, and 35 state positions. Previous or seated representatives need not apply.

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No Frakkin’ Way

David Barach — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:28:52 +0000

McCain and Tigh were both decorated pilots and wars prisoners that were tortured. They’re both crotchety old men, and McCain has had so much of his skin replaced, he’s practically artificial, like Tigh.

Palin is just a hockey mom who ended up innocently in power, just like Roslin, a teacher who didn’t expect to find herself in politics. They both have a take no prisoners attitude (which wouldn’t have and probably won’t work out well for McCain, or Tigh). Both are strong opponents of abortion, and they both look great in glasses, not Tina Fey great, but close.

Read more about the Tigh * Roslin campaign.

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Sarah Palin or George W. Bush

David Barach — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:25:02 +0000

I know they don’t look alike, but I still get them confused. Maybe you can help me out here. Which one is it that loves big oil? I also heard that one of them has a daughter or two that like to party just a bit too much. Anti-abortion and pro abstinence education and a huge darling of the religious right? I’m pretty sure one of them has an investigation over questionable firings of government officials going on now. And then there is that issue of pork, the money, not the meat – you know how one of them loves it, but then speaks out against it. Also, who’s the one that’s just a regular person?

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Vladimir Putin is Dangerous

David Barach — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:40:24 +0000

Putin’s not dangerous because of his stranglehold on Russian government, or his invasion of Georgia. He’s dangerous because he’s physically the equivalent of James Bond. I don’t mean the pansy-ass Roger Moore version of James Bond, but the kick-ass Daniel Craig style. Of course, Putin was KGB, so unlike Daniel Craig, he really was an ass-kicking spy.

Putin’s latest feat of manliness was the shooting of a Siberian tiger with a stun gun. The wild tiger escaped from being trapped in it’s natural habitat in the far east and charged a camera crew. Putin was just arriving with some wildlife specialists, and seeing the tiger loose and attacking, he shot and sedated it.

Here is where Russians and Americans are different. Putin sedated his prey, while Palin would have killed it, and Cheney would have shot a wildlife specialist in the face.

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Again China is Beating US

David Barach — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:50:07 +0000

With all of the attention on the Olympics, Americans are learning that China is more than something you register to get as a wedding gift. Previously, I ranted about how the Chinese are beating us at our own mediocrity game, and now they have gone and beaten us again.

According to the obvious physical appearance of the Chinese girl gymnasts and various evidence to be found on the Internets, many of these gymnasts are not sixteen – the age required by the International Olympics Committee (IOC) to compete. Yet their government issued passports all say that they are, and the IOC is accepting that at face value, despite the obvious.

Why, you ask, should we care? Well, it’s not the obvious fact that they cheated and therefore won the team gold meal from our deserving and aged women gymnasts, nor is it that their government lied to an international body and is getting away with it. It’s that they lied, got caught, and no one cares or dares to do anything about it. We just aren’t that good. The Chinese indeed deserve to win that gold medal.

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Three’s Company

David Barach — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 07:15:03 +0000

W’s third Attorney General, Michael Mukasey must be very proud. After all, following John “Tap that Wire” Ashcroft and Alberto “Geneva = Quaint” Gonzales is pretty intimidating. Still, he’s off to a great start in making sure the Justice Department is looking out for justice department.

Mukasey announced that there will be no criminal prosecutions for former Justice Department officials accused of allowing politics to influence the hiring of prosecutors, immigration judges and other career government lawyers. He told delegates to the American Bar Association annual meeting, “Not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime. In this instance, the two joint reports found only violations of the civil service laws.”

I’m no lawyer, but my understanding of English tells me that if you violated the law, you committed a crime. What I get from all of this is that the Attorney General’s job is to create new definitions to commonly accepted principles, not uphold justice. Let’s review:

John Ashcroft – civil liberties do not mean freedom, rather that the government knows things it can’t tell you and therefore knows better than you what’s good for you.
Alberto Gonzales – torture is humane brutality.
Michael Mukasey – criminal activity is only when you break a law that conflicts with administration interests.

Michael Mukasey has finally lived up to his predecessors and earned a nickname (and not a cute W. nickname, like “Brownie”). What about Michael “Tow Toe* the Company Line” Mukasey?

* Thanks to David Tuffy for the edit. See David’s comment for more.

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Stupid, Lazy, or Corrupt – You Decide

David Barach — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 05:55:05 +0000

Thomas Friedman writes about how Denmark responded to the 1973 oil crises by becoming energy independent while growing their economy. In 1973 they got 99% of their energy from the Middle East, and decided that just wasn’t going to work for them. By raising taxes on fossil fuel and lowering income taxes, they created an environment for innovation where people were encouraged to work harder at conserving energy.

Instead of getting out of the Middle East, like the Danes, we seem to have gotten ourselves in deeper. We pandered to Saddam Hussein, then attacked him in 1991, and then ousted him from power in 2002. We let fundamentalists overthrow the Shah of Iran, got stuck in a hostage situation, and now we are shaking our fists at the same fundamentalists after we practically encouraged them to support terror. And let’s not forget how we kiss the feudalistic and human rights trampling Saudis asses, (you know, the country of Osama Bin Laden and 15 of the 19 hijackers of 9/11) while they laugh all the way to the banks they own.

Why is it then, that unlike the Danish (mmmm, delicious) government, whose encouragement of energy independence has led to a more healthy society (50% of vehicles on the road are bicycles), our government has led us into war and fear for the past 35 years. The Danes are now the main exporters of alternative energy, but they say they’ve seen 35 new competitors in the last eighteen months. That would be great news, except not one of those companies is American. They are all Chinese. Are we stupid, lazy, or corrupt. I vote for all three.

It makes me wonder if Al Gore had become President where we would be now.

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Obama is not Black

David Barach — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:08:43 +0000

We all know that Barack Obama’s father is African and mother is white. That makes him white, not black. Why you ask? Well, according to Jewish law, a person is what their mother is, not their father. Obama’s mother is white, so he is white.

But, you may say, Obama isn’t Jewish, he is Muslim (isn’t he? Oh, he’s not? Whatever, work with me here). And according to Islam, he is black. To that I say – shut up, no one asked you.

With Obama being white, we are yet again faced with another boring election of two establishment type white guys duking it out to be more of the same. At least if Hillary Clinton would have won the Democratic nomination, we would finally have had a radically different election with a candidate that’s nothing like the white guy establishment. Am I right, or what?

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John McCain is Officially the Antichrist

David Barach — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:50:58 +0000

The Nation reports that the respected True Bible Society in Colorado Springs has uncovered startling evidence that Senator John McCain may be the Antichrist. Like the Antichrist, John McCain:

Comes from Romanian heritage – his grandfather’s last name was Mihai, a Romanian name that means “who is like the Lord”
Wants to stay in Iraq for another 100 years – thus rebuild Babylon, from whence the Antichrist will attempt world domination
Is genial and folksy – therefore charming and unseeming evil

Here’s my question. If Evangelicals perceive McCain to be the Antichrist, and they want the end of days to comes so that they can be united with Christ, would that make them more or less likely to vote for McCain/Antichrist?

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